Being diagnosed with any chronic illness can disrupt your life in many ways. You may often be tired and in pain. Your illness might affect your appearance or your physical abilities and independence.
When I was first diagnosed I told it was no big deal, but that was a lie. Was informed that i needed to elevate my leg and I’d have to wear compression the rest of my life.
In fact it turn into a Hugh deal. So hugh that I would basically quit life for a good 5 years. During this time hid myself as much as I could. Still living my parents i didn’t work i couldn’t bring myself to be around other people. My emotional state was a mess, outward I was a wall no emotion mostly . Inside I was a storm of unhealthy thoughts and feelings.
How could I not be my entire life changed. At 23 my body image was shattered being told that the swelling would never go away. Given very basic instructions of was I needed to do to care for my condition.
I constantly worried about how my life would be. Would the swelling get worst. How others would view me. What happens when i get old how would I care for this then. This took it’s toll on me and slowly anxiety attacks about my condition began. I’d lost control over my life I felt at the time.
As my internal voice began to get darker I started to withdraw. With in a span of a year I no longer talk to friends and family at minimal. When ever I went out I hid my leg with baggy clothes and wore neutral colors I didn’t want to be notice. My overall health got worse as I started emotionally eating. Food was my escape the more i ate more weight I gained the worst my condition got and in turn the worst I felt. I would eat more to cope with this to it became an unending cycle. Granted i was never really fit still during this period i put on a morbid amount of weight.
As depression set in my thoughts often became how much I hated myself and to live as I was. Still I wasn’t at my lowest it came late one night. I was having a particularly dark thoughts this night. Although in this period of my life I thought about how it be better if I wasn’t alive. That night I prayed for my life to end I didn’t want to live anymore.
That night I seriously considered suicide. Thought it threw how what would be the best way. What it be like for the person who found me. I didn’t want to leave a mess so decided suffocating myself would be best. For a long time that night thought about it. For what ever reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
That night it all changed for me I awoke the next day still alive. Told myself I didn’t want to live in misery any longer. I knew my life needed to change. I return to meditation a practice that help me in high school when i had trouble with concentrating. Becoming healthy was the new goal.
Slowly I was able to find my way out of the darkness. Today I’m in a better place happy most days. I still on some days I struggle with negative thoughts and anxiety. Though I find myself a lot more capable of dealing with it.
I tell this story because if any of you are have these thoughts and feelings please understand you’re not alone. I’ve been there so have others. Please get help talk to someone I wish now I would have I didn’t need to face that alone you do not either.
If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.
deaf/ hard of hearing- TTY at 1-800-799-4889