Coping Emotionly with Lymphedema-


Being diagnosed with any chronic illness can disrupt your life in many ways. You may often be tired and in pain. Your illness might affect your appearance or your physical abilities and independence.

When I was first diagnosed I told it was no big deal, but that was a lie. Was informed that i needed to elevate my leg and I’d have to wear compression the rest of my life.

In fact it turn into a Hugh deal. So hugh that I would basically quit life for a good 5 years. During this time hid myself as much as I could. Still living my parents i didn’t work i couldn’t bring myself to be around other people. My emotional state was a mess, outward I was a wall no emotion mostly . Inside I was a storm of unhealthy thoughts and feelings.

How could I not be my entire life changed. At 23 my body image was shattered being told that the swelling would never go away. Given very basic instructions of was I needed to do to care for my condition.

I constantly worried about how my life would be. Would the swelling get worst. How others would view me. What happens when i get old how would I care for this then. This took it’s toll on me and slowly anxiety attacks about my condition began. I’d lost control over my life I felt at the time.

As my internal voice began to get darker I started to withdraw. With in a span of a year I no longer talk to friends and family at minimal. When ever I went out I hid my leg with baggy clothes and wore neutral colors I didn’t want to be notice. My overall health got worse as I started emotionally eating. Food was my escape the more i ate more weight I gained the worst my condition got and in turn the worst I felt. I would eat more to cope with this to it became an unending cycle. Granted i was never really fit still during this period i put on a morbid amount of weight.

As depression set in my thoughts often became how much I hated myself and to live as I was. Still I wasn’t at my lowest it came late one night. I was having a particularly dark thoughts this night. Although in this period of my life I thought about how it be better if I wasn’t alive. That night I prayed for my life to end I didn’t want to live anymore.

That night I seriously considered suicide. Thought it threw how what would be the best way. What it be like for the person who found me. I didn’t want to leave a mess so decided suffocating myself would be best. For a long time that night thought about it. For what ever reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

That night it all changed for me I awoke the next day still alive. Told myself I didn’t want to live in misery any longer. I knew my life needed to change. I return to meditation a practice that help me in high school when i had trouble with concentrating. Becoming healthy was the new goal.

Slowly I was able to find my way out of the darkness. Today I’m in a better place happy most days. I still on some days I struggle with negative thoughts and anxiety. Though I find myself a lot more capable of dealing with it.

I tell this story because if any of you are have these thoughts and feelings please understand you’re not alone. I’ve been there so have others. Please get help talk to someone I wish now I would have I didn’t need to face that alone you do not either.


If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at

1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

deaf/ hard of hearing- TTY at 1-800-799-4889

Home

9 thoughts on “Coping Emotionly with Lymphedema-

Add yours

  1. I’ve been there brother, I’m so sorry you went through this dark time. I’m very happy to hear this is not where you are now!! You know I’m only a phone call away. Anxiety & Depression is real, it’s teal emotions and pain. Don’t ever consider it to be a weakness! Chronic illnesses take a toll on your body, mind and spirit! I have learned with the RA to turn to our Heavenly Father, he will never leave you or forsake you! Even when we can’t see it, feel it or understand it, God is working things out for his glory! One day we will know why we go through the things we do! I love you and thank God for sparing you that night! We as a family would not know what to do without you! You have overcome so many obstacles in your life! God’s got this! I love you bunches!!- sherry

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m in such a better plan now than i was. Even though i couldn’t imagine me being there again. I’m watchful of my internal dialogue I wouldn’t hesitate reaching out now if I start down that road again. I’m so grateful I’m still here too I know have a lot left to do here. I love you too sis.

      Like

      1. A stellar piece and raw insight into living life with lymphedema. Thank you for being a bold and courageous advocate!

        Always,

        V

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Joshua, I am so glad that you started a blog to share things like this! I didn’t know this about you, but it isn’t surprising as I went through it as well. As I know you know, having lymphedema leads to major body image issues. As my condition became worse over the years (before it was diagnosed) I was horrified at how I looked. I thought about taking my life many times as well. I became scared that no one would ever love me, let alone myself. As the years past and I moved my focus to helping others, it gave me a different view. We are all our own worst critic. So much as you pursued meditation, I pursued a journey of self love. I am so happy to be able to continue to get to know you better through your blog. Even though it’s been a while since the center of both of our storms, it’s nice to find someone who can really relate, huh? I hope you are doing well today!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s still a hard thing to admit. I’ve had this written for about 2 weeks debating on between not wanting to post this and the potential to help others. It is nice to be able relate to someone who’s been there. I’m happy to get to know you through your blog as well. I doing well today as I hope you are too.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I can relate so much. Some things are just so personal that it is hard to know if you should share, but I am very glad that you did. I am doing pretty good today, thank you! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started
%d bloggers like this: